I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
