I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
