I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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