just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
