it was like having sex with a tree stump
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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