There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
