rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
