My underwear smells like fireworks.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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