It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
