His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
All I want is dick and wine.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
