So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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