alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
