I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
