Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
