I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
