I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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