I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
whose ass print is on the piano?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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