So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
