how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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