Im at strip club and am horny
i already hear my dad disowning me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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