I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
And then my night got REAL pukey
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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