Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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