i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
