Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
