I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
