meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Floor bacon is actually really good
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
