I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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