Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
