I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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