I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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