Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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