how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
