if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
