you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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