he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I have tasted many bathrooms
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
