i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
