He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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