just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
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At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
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He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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