I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
