Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
