I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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