Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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