and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
