i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
