I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
