i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
