I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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