I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
