Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
birth control should be required to get into college
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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