Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
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Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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