Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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