I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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