i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
