dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
